Jessi Jean

to live is to dream with eyes wide open.

I Have a Disease.

 The disease of self… self consumed, concerned. Inwardly focused and driven. It’s sickening.

I was walking to class today, flustered and frustrated at the world. I was tired and I couldn’t get my hair to do what I wanted…girls, I know you understand me on this one. Just last night I went to the beauty school in town and had them cut and color my hair.

**Side Note** For those of you who don’t know me I love hair…I use lots of product and like BIG hair; I tease my hair every day. I would fit in perfect in the 60’s. Anyways, the point is that I do care about my hair, so getting it done at a school was definitely a risk. But when you’re in college and money is tight, you gotta do what ya gotta do. So I marched into the beauty school nervous but desperately in need of the services they had to offer. I sat down in Heather’s chair and told her I exactly what I wanted….Fast forward 4 ½ hours….. Finally I was done. By the time she had finished it was 9:30 and I had completely missed The Outpost (a ministry on campus that meets weekly to worship and study God). She asked if I wanted her to style my new do, but by this time I was exhausted, so I left with flat, partially wet hair.

Back to the story…

I woke up today frazzled, tired, and after styling my hair, I realized my bangs had been hacked to pieces. Ugh…why did I take the cheap route? My morning devotionals were rushed and my mind was wandering. I wasn’t the most pleasant person to be around either. My roommate tried to make conversation with me but I didn’t offer much in response. After clipping my hair back and packing my backpack I flew out the door. I sped to campus, parked in the 1 hour meter parking, and started power walking to class.

Suddenly in the mist of my frustration…I heard it. God. “You have a deadly disease. It’s name: self-consumption.”

I had allowed a bunch of minuscule situations to completely throw me off. My day, which is really the day that the Lord had made and certainly has a purpose for, was so unfocused because of all my self- focus. If I had been living in God’s truth…the one that says I am fearfully and wonderfully made (Psalm 139:14)- I would have not been nearly as affected by my bad hair-do, exhausted body, or lack of motivation to attend my one and only Friday class.

God’s truth absolutely changes everything!

Why is it so hard to stay focused on that? Once I choose to see things through God’s eyes my day took a 180 degree turn. I felt a wave of patience, peace, and clarity that I had been without earlier, fall over me. God took care of me the rest of the day. Loving me back into his presence and showing me that I was precious in his eyes all the time. Hacked bangs or perfect hair day…he doesn’t care. He sees the attitude of our hearts and that is freeing.

A wise friend told me: When we live confidently in our God-given purposes, we not only find true, deep fulfillment, we also bless all those around us.

I wasn’t living the life God called me to this morning. Centered on myself caused me to lose sight of the people around me who may have been blessed just to receive a friendly smile. This disease is BAD. It steals life and joy.

May we be God centered, not self centered people.

P.S. God even fixed my hair…well not himself but I was able to get into an upscale hair studio in town later this afternoon and they fixed it all for FREE. Hummm… think about it.

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3 thoughts on “I Have a Disease.

  1. Hi, this is a comment.
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  2. Great stuff! I feel like after reading this, my morning devo is done! The devil doesn’t want us to think about him, but about ourselves! Be encouraged, most Christians never even get to this point.

  3. Jessi Cowan, my heart just swelled with joy that you have a blog! And you are a lovely writer… more so, though, is the content. Thank you so much for sharing your heart! And how encouraging to know that I alone do not suffer from this disease!! I’ve given it another name, the All About Me disease, but essentially it is the same. And I’ve been working through it, praying for God’s healing, for a little over two weeks now. Its a hard process, but SO worth it!!

    Check out my blog when you get a chance. And we must do coffee or Olive Garden soon!!

    Love you SO much girl,
    Jessi Day

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