Real Life…Honest. Open. And True.
I don’t like the phrase “brutally honest” because honesty, no matter the content is beautiful. Yes, it can hurt. And yes, it can be ugly…But when people are honest and open something beautiful happens. A weight is lifted, burdens are released, and healing can happen.
This is my honest.
Right now, I am struggling. Struggling to be content with where I’m at in life. I am getting anxious to graduate college and begin another journey… one without exams, late night papers, and early morning classes.
Good things have been happening; doors are opening in the direction of my dreams, and I am thrilled. The interview I had with the Rockies was stellar! But I won’t know anything till late January, early February. I have an interview with 9NEWS in Denver this coming Thursday for their Sports and General news internship… incredible! God is faithfully providing opportunity after opportunity and I feel so blessed. But with all this said I am struggling to be content with the daily grind up here in Fort Collins.
I am surrounded by an incredible community of believers. I love my roommates, the women in the Bible study I lead, and all those involved in The Outpost campus ministry. I am encouraged and loved by these people and I couldn’t ask for better friends. But why, why do I continually long for more?!
I have this charming little picture in my head of life after I graduate. It looks something like this:
I will live in a quaint little apartment in Downtown Denver, work for the Rockies or some News station, be involved in some inner city ministry, and explore a new area. I will meet the man of my dreams, get hitched, and be wildly in love. I thrive off adventure and I think this plays into my struggle with contentment. Constantly seeking, searching… a need to discover, take risks, and dive into new surroundings.
God often reminds me to enjoy where he has me now…to enjoy the people he has blessed me with now, to enjoy the process of interviewing and waiting patiently, and to enjoy the simple things in life that he created for our enjoyment: snowflakes, laughter, and dare I say it: school… learning, growing, and becoming a more educated member of society.
As much as I long for the future, I am apprehensive of what it has in store. Earlier today I was reading a book by Erwin Raphael McManus, titled Wide Awake. He said this: “For some of us, our challenge is going to be to move from a life that simply looks for security to a life that longs for significance.” BAM! Some of the things I long for are simply things that I think will bring me security… I must learn to reframe my thought process and allow Christ to be LORD of my life…Director, leader, and controller. He will undoubtedly lead me into a life of significance and fulfillment.
But I am HUMAN and I will continue to struggle and doubt. I will continue to struggle to surrender control of my life to the ONE who has it all under control. But I will also continue to try…to try and “let go and let God” as my step-dad would say.
So for now, I will pray for contentment to live in the “NOW” while I prepare for the future.